This post has been a long time coming. If you count 6 months as a long time that is.... I'm just gonna get right to the point.
Motherhood is different than I thought it would be. Its not honey and roses so much as other people make it seem to be, or as I even make it seem to be on my social media most of the time. For me, most of the time motherhood is more like trying to avoid complete insanity. I just hold on to the sliver of hope I have that it won't always be like this. That I won't always just barely be surviving from day to day. Maybe its just that Enok is more difficult than other babies, or maybe I'm not just as good at the whole baby thing as other people are, but whatever the case, staying home with a baby all day every day is really, really hard. Definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. Or even experienced.
The question I always find myself asking is why is this so hard? And what can I do to make it better?
The answers I've come up with so far are multi-faceted, but basically it comes down to the following: post-baby body, monotony, Enok's temperament, my own temperament, and the limitations of our situation.
And these are each things that have to be tackled one at a time. First things first.
Post-baby body.
I don't care who you are, after you have a baby your body is not the same. Some women, who are generally referred to as the 'lucky' ones, come through pregnancy only weighing a couple more pounds after and get no stretch marks at all. [If this happens to be you, then don't worry I won't hate on you for your genetics that make this possible, I just want people to stop hating on me because my genetics don't make that possible.] Those women and their experience are the ideal that all the rest of us women are supposed to strive after. Because for some reason if we come out of pregnancy with some extra weight or with stretch marks we are less of a woman and not as good of a woman anymore. This mentality is such bull. And I'm tired of believing it. I seriously want to puke when I get onto facebook or pinterest and see these things about 'How to lose the weight and look like an 18 year old model after baby' accompanied by a picture of a woman in a bikini holding a baby. Really? REALLY? And I do vomit in my mouth a little bit when I see posts about 'How to look like a supermodel while giving birth'. REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? Because you are more awesome of a woman if you can look like a supermodel not only after giving birth, but while giving birth too. And naturally, you should just look like that all the time anyways.
Excuse me while I go vomit please.
I'm done with hating my body because it has some extra weight and stretch marks. I am pledging to start loving my body again. Why should I hate my body when it's just done the most amazing and miraculous thing a body can do? It just grew an entire human being out of almost nothing! That is AMAZING! And the scars from that journey should be seen as beautiful too because they show that I am willing to give my body for another. It shows that I'm not just living for myself anymore, I am really living for someone else.
Christ chose to keep the scars he gained in suffering and dying for us. He chose this because He loves us, and He wants us to know that He loves us so much that He is willing to carry scars for us. Have you ever thought about how after the Resurrection the only one who will have any scars on their body is Jesus Christ? The Savior of all mankind, the most faithful of any of Heavenly Father's children, the man who helped create the heavens and the earth, He, the greatest of all the least of these, will have scars on His perfect body. Our human nature screams against that, our human nature drives us to believe that anything perfect cannot have any scars. Obviously Christ shows us the better way. Because scars aren't a sign of imperfection, but rather a sign of our journey to reach perfection. Maybe in the resurrection I'll want to keep my scars too. To show what I lived for. To show what I was willing to give my life for. I pray that by the end of my life I'll have overcome enough of my natural man to really want to keep the scars I've earned.
I believe that in giving birth I just fulfilled the purpose for which my body was created, I just fulfilled one of the purposes for which I was sent to earth, and why should I be ashamed of the marks that leaves on me? I should be proud of those marks. Doesn't mean I'm going to go show them off, but it means I shouldn't have to worry about hiding them, and I most certainly shouldn't be ashamed of them. I shouldn't feel like less of a woman because of them.
And what it comes down to is this. I look over at my sweet baby boy (who, thank the heavens, is napping peacefully right now), the little human that nearly drives me to the brink of insanity almost daily, and tears fill my eyes. I never knew I could love someone this much. I never knew how much I would be willing to suffer to bring someone else joy. I never knew that gaining extra weight and adding some stretch marks could be so beautiful. And I wouldn't change a thing. I don't need my pre-baby body, because I have him. He is my life. And I want to raise him to believe that women are beautiful. That their bodies are sacred. That they are amazing and worthwhile no matter what they look like compared to the standard of beauty the world has put out. And I can't raise him to believe that if I don't believe that myself and start acting like I believe it.
Someday I know I'll stand before God, and when He asks me what I have done with my time here on earth, I want to proudly show him the scars I bear and declare, "This is what I have done with my life. This is what I have given my life for."
If it's worth it to dedicate my life to raising my children, then it's worth it to dedicate my body to them too.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" - John 15:13
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