Pre-B-Day Pity Party

Maybe I shouldn't write this post. Or maybe I should. Or maybe it just doesn't matter, but anyway I'm going to write it. It's not a pity me post, its just the truth. But I guess it is my own little pity party, just not a pity me party. And it will be boring, so if you're looking for something exciting, look elsewhere. And really, no one has any reason to read this, I just need to write it for the therapeutics.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm really not excited. I really actually wish we could just skip it and go on. I know that sounds strange but its really how I feel. I really don't want to be celebrated, to be honest, I feel so inadequate in so many things lately that I don't feel I deserve to be. I'd rather celebrate someone else, anyone else. Plus, I just have some bad blood with birthdays. I've had a couple birthdays growing up that don't make me look forward to birthdays. There is one in particular that I think about that still really hurts whenever I think about it. I'll keep it vague as to when/where/who cuz I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I really need to write about it. It still just really bothers me. On one of my birthdays I was going to have a party and I had only invited 7 people because I wanted to keep it small. I was really looking forward to spending my birthday with those people because I really cared about them and I thought they cared about me too. Well one of them forgot, which we all forget things and it was unintentional, so I can't really be upset about that. Another one was having a bad day and so they hardly stayed. I shouldn't he bothered by that one either, but if I'm having a bad day and a friend needs me I'll suck it up and fake it till I make it for them. I guess I'm delusional in thinking I deserve the same thing back. So that one does bother me. And then two other friends came late and only stayed for like 20 minutes and then left to go hang out with some other friends. That one really bothers me. They didn't even tell me the truth about why they were leaving, but I'm not stupid. So only 3 people actually cared enough to really 'celebrate' with me. And I cut it short cuz it was just embarrassing. I honestly thought about faking a headache the whole time so people would just go home so I wouldn't have to feel so stupid. Because of that, I'll never plan a party for my birthday again. It just really hurt because these were like the 7 people who could come who I thought really valued me as a friend, but that whole experience made me wonder. I still wonder.
Anyways, I didn't do anything on May 31, 1990 but take a breath of air and cry. I hardly see why that should mean the day should be celebrated in my behalf. If it should be celebrated at all, my mom is the one who should be celebrated. She was the one that made the sacrifice to bring me into the world. To me, my birthday is a day to thank her, not a day to celebrate my entrance into humanity.
This year I'll be spending the day with the few who I know really do care, and mostly because they want to, not because I do.
Well there's my pity party. If you read this far, you deserve a piece of my birthday cake. I'd send you one, but it would melt on the way.  [Which I really am excited for the cake, Philip's making a homemade ice cream cake DQ style. And Philip is good at making yummy things!]
Please enjoy your May 31, and I'll try to end my pity party at midnight tonight and enjoy mine too.