The Paradox of Comparison

Comparison.

We all know it's the game you can never win. It's a game without a winner. 

We know its bad for our sanity, our happiness, and our humility. Yet, most of us are addicted to it. We play it again and again and again. It doesn't matter how many times we lose, we keep playing the same game over and over and expecting a different outcome. Hoping to 'win' so that maybe we will feel better about something. Or maybe we keep playing because we are looking for a reason to explain why we feel so terrible.

I don't know. But I know that I play this game far too much. And I always lose.

We compare everything in life. Our looks, our possessions, our families, our situations, our abilities, and even our levels of spirituality. And the list doesn't end there.

Some people fool themselves into thinking that they sometimes win the comparison game. I know I've been fooled before. If you think your winning the game, it's only because there's someone else out there who you haven't compared yourself to yet.
Comparison is the only game that is won by simply not playing it.

There is such paradox in comparison.

At least there is for me.

A couple examples....

If I compare my looks to someone who I feel looks better than myself, then I feel bad about myself and wish I looked better. So if I compare myself to someone who I feel looks worse than myself, I should feel better right? Wrong. Instead I wish that I hadn't done my hair, or put on makeup, or been so vain, and I still end up feeling bad about myself.

If I compare my living situation (house, belongings, budget, etc) to someone who I think has a better living situation than me, I feel bad about myself and my situation and I get depressed. So if I compare myself to someone who I feel like is in a worse living situation than me (as in I think I have a nicer couch, cuter house, more money being spent), then I should feel better right? Still wrong. Instead I feel bad for caring about my living situation, I feel worldly and prideful. I still end up feeling horrible.

Either way, I lose. Either way, I feel bad, and my happiness decreases. And all simply from thoughts that only exist in my head.

Obviously I could write a million more examples of how to lose the comparing game. But we'll stop there.

It's the age old saying, you don't have to put someone down to feel better about yourself. And oddly enough, most of the time you'll put them down and drag yourself down even further.

To go up, you have to raise others up and go up with them. Or raise yourself up and bring them with you. And you can't do that by comparing.

I don't know a magical solution for comparing. I don't know how to stop it. I've been trying to stop it for years, and I'll keep trying, even if I don't always succeed.

It's the game I'm going to learn how to win because it's the game I'm going to unlearn how to play. 

Side note: This rambling makes me think about pride. So many people think they aren't prideful because they lift others up by putting themselves down. But that is still a form of pride because you are still focusing on yourself. You're only humble when you stop thinking about yourself so much, in good or bad ways. Probably my solution to stop comparing too, stop thinking so much of myself.

Chocolate Zucchini Muffins

 Love these. I was first introduced to chocolate zucchini bread at a ward recipe exchange and now I make them as muffins.... Yum!
Chocolate = Love
Zucchini = Feeling Healthy = Love
Muffins = Bite Size Goodness = Love
Need I say more?

Chocolate Zucchini Muffins

2oz unsweetened chocolate
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 cups shredded zucchini
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup oil
1 cup chocolate chips

Melt unsweetened chocolate. Mix all ingredients except sugars. Add sugar to melted chocolate and combine with other ingredients. Line or grease muffin tins and fill each 2/3 full. Bake for 30 minutes in a 325 oven. Makes 24.

Tips:
- Substitute 2oz of unsweetened chocolate with 3tbs of butter, melted, and 6tbs of cocoa powder
- Line baking tins with squares of parchment paper if your out of muffin cups
- Can make as 2 bread loaves baked for 45-50 minutes in a 325 oven

Enjoy!

Btw, I tell myself its healthy since it has zucchini, but after eating a couple muffins I have to remind myself that its really not....

My Truth About Motherhood: Monotony

Before having a baby I never imagined how monotonous motherhood would be. As Enok is getting older, this is becoming less and less of a trial as he is able to do new things and explore the world a little bit more.

But for the first 4 months of Enok's life, the monotony of motherhood was my enemy. And unfortunately, I let it drive me crazy.

I actually started writing a post about this shortly after Enok turned 4 months old.... things have gotten much, much better since then... thank heavens..... but here's a backflash.....

June 2013: Turns out that having a young baby is very monotonous. While they do occasionally do different and cute new things, for the most part they do the same things over and over and over... I may be unappreciative of the age Enok is at, but I am really excited for when I don't have to feed Enok 6-8 times a day and when he can entertain himself for 10 minutes. Everything I've read and heard is that babies are supposed to get less fussy as they get older. And if you are constantly giving Enok your attention every minute that he is awake then maybe he has gotten less fussy, but take your attention away for a minute and he turns into a super fussy boy. Compared to how he was at one or two months old, he is much more fussy now. He wants to be sang to for the entire 8-10 hours of awake time he has each day. Sorry, but I can't sing that much. I'll lose my voice and go crazy. An older sibling to give him some attention would be very handy about now. Can I rent one? And his naps are so short lately that I'm lucky to be able to pee and eat. Everyone talks about how much free time I must have being at home with one little baby, I only have lots of free time if you count the time I'm holding Enok and have one free hand. So free time for whatever you can do while standing, bouncing, singing, and holding a baby. The free time list of activities is pretty short. I love that Enok wants to interact, but I need to clean and pack sometime too. I always could just stand up and hold him or bounce him on my knee while watching a movie, but I'm tired of tv. It's no fun anymore. Babies are hard.

Back to present. Now Enok is 6 months, and he actually will entertain himself for 10 - 20 minutes at a time several times a day! It's wonderful! And he's down to eating 6 or less times a day! Yay! I used to say I couldn't wait till he holds his own bottle, but now I don't want him to learn that cuz I'll lose my snuggle time. And we can play more together now too! Yay! He still does get quite fussy, and he still fights going down for a nap, but he also does tend to take longer naps now too!

My silver lining for the monotony of motherhood? It comes to an end. [Although I'm sure in the future it changes as kids get older]. The older they get, the more interested they become and the more fun things they can do. I think I'm just not really a newborn type of person. I would have to say that so far the older Enok gets, the more I love what stage of life he is at. I did like birth-8 weeks, but from 8 weeks to about 24 weeks, we had a rough time. I'm really looking forward to Enok growing up and being able to do activities with him and help him learn about and explore the world around him.

My Truth About Motherhood: Post-Baby Body

This post has been a long time coming. If you count 6 months as a long time that is.... I'm just gonna get right to the point.

Motherhood is different than I thought it would be. Its not honey and roses so much as other people make it seem to be, or as I even make it seem to be on my social media most of the time. For me, most of the time motherhood is more like trying to avoid complete insanity. I just hold on to the sliver of hope I have that it won't always be like this. That I won't always just barely be surviving from day to day. Maybe its just that Enok is more difficult than other babies, or maybe I'm not just as good at the whole baby thing as other people are, but whatever the case, staying home with a baby all day every day is really, really hard. Definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. Or even experienced.

The question I always find myself asking is why is this so hard? And what can I do to make it better?

The answers I've come up with so far are multi-faceted, but basically it comes down to the following: post-baby body, monotony, Enok's temperament, my own temperament, and the limitations of our situation.

And these are each things that have to be tackled one at a time. First things first.

Post-baby body.

I don't care who you are, after you have a baby your body is not the same. Some women, who are generally referred to as the 'lucky' ones, come through pregnancy only weighing a couple more pounds after and get no stretch marks at all. [If this happens to be you, then don't worry I won't hate on you for your genetics that make this possible, I just want people to stop hating on me because my genetics don't make that possible.] Those women and their experience are the ideal that all the rest of us women are supposed to strive after. Because for some reason if we come out of pregnancy with some extra weight or with stretch marks we are less of a woman and not as good of a woman anymore. This mentality is such bull. And I'm tired of believing it. I seriously want to puke when I get onto facebook or pinterest and see these things about 'How to lose the weight and look like an 18 year old model after baby' accompanied by a picture of a woman in a bikini holding a baby. Really? REALLY? And I do vomit in my mouth a little bit when I see posts about 'How to look like a supermodel while giving birth'. REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? Because you are more awesome of a woman if you can look like a supermodel not only after giving birth, but while giving birth too. And naturally, you should just look like that all the time anyways.

Excuse me while I go vomit please.

I'm done with hating my body because it has some extra weight and stretch marks. I am pledging to start loving my body again. Why should I hate my body when it's just done the most amazing and miraculous thing a body can do? It just grew an entire human being out of almost nothing! That is AMAZING! And the scars from that journey should be seen as beautiful too because they show that I am willing to give my body for another. It shows that I'm not just living for myself anymore, I am really living for someone else.

Christ chose to keep the scars he gained in suffering and dying for us. He chose this because He loves us, and He wants us to know that He loves us so much that He is willing to carry scars for us. Have you ever thought about how after the Resurrection the only one who will have any scars on their body is Jesus Christ? The Savior of all mankind, the most faithful of any of Heavenly Father's children, the man who helped create the heavens and the earth, He, the greatest of all the least of these, will have scars on His perfect body. Our human nature screams against that, our human nature drives us to believe that anything perfect cannot have any scars. Obviously Christ shows us the better way. Because scars aren't a sign of imperfection, but rather a sign of our journey to reach perfection. Maybe in the resurrection I'll want to keep my scars too. To show what I lived for. To show what I was willing to give my life for. I pray that by the end of my life I'll have overcome enough of my natural man to really want to keep the scars I've earned.

I believe that in giving birth I just fulfilled the purpose for which my body was created, I just fulfilled one of the purposes for which I was sent to earth, and why should I be ashamed of the marks that leaves on me? I should be proud of those marks. Doesn't mean I'm going to go show them off, but it means I shouldn't have to worry about hiding them, and I most certainly shouldn't be ashamed of them. I shouldn't feel like less of a woman because of them.

And what it comes down to is this. I look over at my sweet baby boy (who, thank the heavens, is napping peacefully right now), the little human that nearly drives me to the brink of insanity almost daily, and tears fill my eyes. I never knew I could love someone this much. I never knew how much I would be willing to suffer to bring someone else joy. I never knew that gaining extra weight and adding some stretch marks could be so beautiful. And I wouldn't change a thing. I don't need my pre-baby body, because I have him. He is my life. And I want to raise him to believe that women are beautiful. That their bodies are sacred. That they are amazing and worthwhile no matter what they look like compared to the standard of beauty the world has put out. And I can't raise him to believe that if I don't believe that myself and start acting like I believe it.

Someday I know I'll stand before God, and when He asks me what I have done with my time here on earth, I want to proudly show him the scars I bear and declare, "This is what I have done with my life. This is what I have given my life for."

If it's worth it to dedicate my life to raising my children, then it's worth it to dedicate my body to them too.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" - John 15:13

Well I Guess We Live In Texas Now

Well, we finally got out of Dodge. [That was for you Ashley Chamberlin]
Remember all those times when you think to yourself, "I can't wait to get out of Provo (or whatever college town you were in)?". Well we finally really did get out of Provo, and while we were excited, we miss Provo too. Of course its one of those things when you realize all the things you love right as you leave. We have some great memories in Provo, and it will always hold a special place in our hearts. Thank you to all of our friends and family who made our experience there what it was.
And because we didn't want too much change all at once, we moved from one college town straight into another. Although this one is a much larger college, and a much larger town.

First impressions:

• It's not nearly as po-dunk as we thought it would be. There are a lot of new looking shopping centers and lots of nice areas of town. And there is a great variety in the stores & restaurants that they have here. I was worried they wouldn't have like anything, but College Station has lots of great things! 
• Sidewalks suck. Like worse than Provo. This place makes it look like Provo has the best sidewalks in the world (Erin Randall, you may be the only other person who understands this sidewalk issue). In Provo pretty much everywhere had sidewalks, but they weren't very wide and they were super uneven. I was always complaining about the sidewalks. Well here they just don't have sidewalks most of the time. And when they do they are super skinny. Gah. I'll just keep dreaming of finding better sidewalks someday. 
• Its hot. Really hot. And even when I don't feel hot I'm still clammy. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel completely dry again. 
• There are a lot of trucks. I've never seen so many pick-up trucks in my life. Half of the vehicles in every parking lot are trucks. It's insane. Oh, and a greater proportion of cars are nice cars here. Hardly see any clunkers. Even driving by a trailer park. 
• There are so many Mexican food places. SOOOO MANY. You'd think that would be followed by, "And there are a lot of Mexicans too." But no, there are a lot of Asians. SOOOO MANY. Never lived by so many Asians in my life. 
• Oh yea, people in the real world smoke, buy alcohol, and swear. Kind of forgot about that. 
• People here are friendly. It took us going to Walmart like 6 or 7 times (I know, we went a lot at first) before no one made any animal noises at Enok the whole time. 
• Our ward here is awesome. People were so friendly. I don't know why, but the church just feels different here, more sincere. I like it. 

Philip is really excited to be back in Texas. And I like it too. I think our family will really like it here. I do miss Provo and my friends there. And I wish I was closer to my family. But I think Texas will be good for us. Can't believe my baby boy is gonna grow up a Texan. Need to work on getting him to have an accent =D