Before having a baby I never imagined how monotonous motherhood would be. As Enok is getting older, this is becoming less and less of a trial as he is able to do new things and explore the world a little bit more.
But for the first 4 months of Enok's life, the monotony of motherhood was my enemy. And unfortunately, I let it drive me crazy.
I actually started writing a post about this shortly after Enok turned 4 months old.... things have gotten much, much better since then... thank heavens..... but here's a backflash.....
June 2013: Turns out that having a young baby is very monotonous. While they do occasionally do different and cute new things, for the most part they do the same things over and over and over... I may be unappreciative of the age Enok is at, but I am really excited for when I don't have to feed Enok 6-8 times a day and when he can entertain himself for 10 minutes. Everything I've read and heard is that babies are supposed to get less fussy as they get older. And if you are constantly giving Enok your attention every minute that he is awake then maybe he has gotten less fussy, but take your attention away for a minute and he turns into a super fussy boy. Compared to how he was at one or two months old, he is much more fussy now. He wants to be sang to for the entire 8-10 hours of awake time he has each day. Sorry, but I can't sing that much. I'll lose my voice and go crazy. An older sibling to give him some attention would be very handy about now. Can I rent one? And his naps are so short lately that I'm lucky to be able to pee and eat. Everyone talks about how much free time I must have being at home with one little baby, I only have lots of free time if you count the time I'm holding Enok and have one free hand. So free time for whatever you can do while standing, bouncing, singing, and holding a baby. The free time list of activities is pretty short. I love that Enok wants to interact, but I need to clean and pack sometime too. I always could just stand up and hold him or bounce him on my knee while watching a movie, but I'm tired of tv. It's no fun anymore. Babies are hard.
Back to present. Now Enok is 6 months, and he actually will entertain himself for 10 - 20 minutes at a time several times a day! It's wonderful! And he's down to eating 6 or less times a day! Yay! I used to say I couldn't wait till he holds his own bottle, but now I don't want him to learn that cuz I'll lose my snuggle time. And we can play more together now too! Yay! He still does get quite fussy, and he still fights going down for a nap, but he also does tend to take longer naps now too!
My silver lining for the monotony of motherhood? It comes to an end. [Although I'm sure in the future it changes as kids get older]. The older they get, the more interested they become and the more fun things they can do. I think I'm just not really a newborn type of person. I would have to say that so far the older Enok gets, the more I love what stage of life he is at. I did like birth-8 weeks, but from 8 weeks to about 24 weeks, we had a rough time. I'm really looking forward to Enok growing up and being able to do activities with him and help him learn about and explore the world around him.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
My Truth About Motherhood: Post-Baby Body
This post has been a long time coming. If you count 6 months as a long time that is.... I'm just gonna get right to the point.
Motherhood is different than I thought it would be. Its not honey and roses so much as other people make it seem to be, or as I even make it seem to be on my social media most of the time. For me, most of the time motherhood is more like trying to avoid complete insanity. I just hold on to the sliver of hope I have that it won't always be like this. That I won't always just barely be surviving from day to day. Maybe its just that Enok is more difficult than other babies, or maybe I'm not just as good at the whole baby thing as other people are, but whatever the case, staying home with a baby all day every day is really, really hard. Definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. Or even experienced.
The question I always find myself asking is why is this so hard? And what can I do to make it better?
The answers I've come up with so far are multi-faceted, but basically it comes down to the following: post-baby body, monotony, Enok's temperament, my own temperament, and the limitations of our situation.
And these are each things that have to be tackled one at a time. First things first.
Post-baby body.
I don't care who you are, after you have a baby your body is not the same. Some women, who are generally referred to as the 'lucky' ones, come through pregnancy only weighing a couple more pounds after and get no stretch marks at all. [If this happens to be you, then don't worry I won't hate on you for your genetics that make this possible, I just want people to stop hating on me because my genetics don't make that possible.] Those women and their experience are the ideal that all the rest of us women are supposed to strive after. Because for some reason if we come out of pregnancy with some extra weight or with stretch marks we are less of a woman and not as good of a woman anymore. This mentality is such bull. And I'm tired of believing it. I seriously want to puke when I get onto facebook or pinterest and see these things about 'How to lose the weight and look like an 18 year old model after baby' accompanied by a picture of a woman in a bikini holding a baby. Really? REALLY? And I do vomit in my mouth a little bit when I see posts about 'How to look like a supermodel while giving birth'. REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? Because you are more awesome of a woman if you can look like a supermodel not only after giving birth, but while giving birth too. And naturally, you should just look like that all the time anyways.
Excuse me while I go vomit please.
I'm done with hating my body because it has some extra weight and stretch marks. I am pledging to start loving my body again. Why should I hate my body when it's just done the most amazing and miraculous thing a body can do? It just grew an entire human being out of almost nothing! That is AMAZING! And the scars from that journey should be seen as beautiful too because they show that I am willing to give my body for another. It shows that I'm not just living for myself anymore, I am really living for someone else.
Christ chose to keep the scars he gained in suffering and dying for us. He chose this because He loves us, and He wants us to know that He loves us so much that He is willing to carry scars for us. Have you ever thought about how after the Resurrection the only one who will have any scars on their body is Jesus Christ? The Savior of all mankind, the most faithful of any of Heavenly Father's children, the man who helped create the heavens and the earth, He, the greatest of all the least of these, will have scars on His perfect body. Our human nature screams against that, our human nature drives us to believe that anything perfect cannot have any scars. Obviously Christ shows us the better way. Because scars aren't a sign of imperfection, but rather a sign of our journey to reach perfection. Maybe in the resurrection I'll want to keep my scars too. To show what I lived for. To show what I was willing to give my life for. I pray that by the end of my life I'll have overcome enough of my natural man to really want to keep the scars I've earned.
I believe that in giving birth I just fulfilled the purpose for which my body was created, I just fulfilled one of the purposes for which I was sent to earth, and why should I be ashamed of the marks that leaves on me? I should be proud of those marks. Doesn't mean I'm going to go show them off, but it means I shouldn't have to worry about hiding them, and I most certainly shouldn't be ashamed of them. I shouldn't feel like less of a woman because of them.
And what it comes down to is this. I look over at my sweet baby boy (who, thank the heavens, is napping peacefully right now), the little human that nearly drives me to the brink of insanity almost daily, and tears fill my eyes. I never knew I could love someone this much. I never knew how much I would be willing to suffer to bring someone else joy. I never knew that gaining extra weight and adding some stretch marks could be so beautiful. And I wouldn't change a thing. I don't need my pre-baby body, because I have him. He is my life. And I want to raise him to believe that women are beautiful. That their bodies are sacred. That they are amazing and worthwhile no matter what they look like compared to the standard of beauty the world has put out. And I can't raise him to believe that if I don't believe that myself and start acting like I believe it.
Someday I know I'll stand before God, and when He asks me what I have done with my time here on earth, I want to proudly show him the scars I bear and declare, "This is what I have done with my life. This is what I have given my life for."
If it's worth it to dedicate my life to raising my children, then it's worth it to dedicate my body to them too.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" - John 15:13
Motherhood is different than I thought it would be. Its not honey and roses so much as other people make it seem to be, or as I even make it seem to be on my social media most of the time. For me, most of the time motherhood is more like trying to avoid complete insanity. I just hold on to the sliver of hope I have that it won't always be like this. That I won't always just barely be surviving from day to day. Maybe its just that Enok is more difficult than other babies, or maybe I'm not just as good at the whole baby thing as other people are, but whatever the case, staying home with a baby all day every day is really, really hard. Definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. Or even experienced.
The question I always find myself asking is why is this so hard? And what can I do to make it better?
The answers I've come up with so far are multi-faceted, but basically it comes down to the following: post-baby body, monotony, Enok's temperament, my own temperament, and the limitations of our situation.
And these are each things that have to be tackled one at a time. First things first.
Post-baby body.
I don't care who you are, after you have a baby your body is not the same. Some women, who are generally referred to as the 'lucky' ones, come through pregnancy only weighing a couple more pounds after and get no stretch marks at all. [If this happens to be you, then don't worry I won't hate on you for your genetics that make this possible, I just want people to stop hating on me because my genetics don't make that possible.] Those women and their experience are the ideal that all the rest of us women are supposed to strive after. Because for some reason if we come out of pregnancy with some extra weight or with stretch marks we are less of a woman and not as good of a woman anymore. This mentality is such bull. And I'm tired of believing it. I seriously want to puke when I get onto facebook or pinterest and see these things about 'How to lose the weight and look like an 18 year old model after baby' accompanied by a picture of a woman in a bikini holding a baby. Really? REALLY? And I do vomit in my mouth a little bit when I see posts about 'How to look like a supermodel while giving birth'. REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? Because you are more awesome of a woman if you can look like a supermodel not only after giving birth, but while giving birth too. And naturally, you should just look like that all the time anyways.
Excuse me while I go vomit please.
I'm done with hating my body because it has some extra weight and stretch marks. I am pledging to start loving my body again. Why should I hate my body when it's just done the most amazing and miraculous thing a body can do? It just grew an entire human being out of almost nothing! That is AMAZING! And the scars from that journey should be seen as beautiful too because they show that I am willing to give my body for another. It shows that I'm not just living for myself anymore, I am really living for someone else.
Christ chose to keep the scars he gained in suffering and dying for us. He chose this because He loves us, and He wants us to know that He loves us so much that He is willing to carry scars for us. Have you ever thought about how after the Resurrection the only one who will have any scars on their body is Jesus Christ? The Savior of all mankind, the most faithful of any of Heavenly Father's children, the man who helped create the heavens and the earth, He, the greatest of all the least of these, will have scars on His perfect body. Our human nature screams against that, our human nature drives us to believe that anything perfect cannot have any scars. Obviously Christ shows us the better way. Because scars aren't a sign of imperfection, but rather a sign of our journey to reach perfection. Maybe in the resurrection I'll want to keep my scars too. To show what I lived for. To show what I was willing to give my life for. I pray that by the end of my life I'll have overcome enough of my natural man to really want to keep the scars I've earned.
I believe that in giving birth I just fulfilled the purpose for which my body was created, I just fulfilled one of the purposes for which I was sent to earth, and why should I be ashamed of the marks that leaves on me? I should be proud of those marks. Doesn't mean I'm going to go show them off, but it means I shouldn't have to worry about hiding them, and I most certainly shouldn't be ashamed of them. I shouldn't feel like less of a woman because of them.
And what it comes down to is this. I look over at my sweet baby boy (who, thank the heavens, is napping peacefully right now), the little human that nearly drives me to the brink of insanity almost daily, and tears fill my eyes. I never knew I could love someone this much. I never knew how much I would be willing to suffer to bring someone else joy. I never knew that gaining extra weight and adding some stretch marks could be so beautiful. And I wouldn't change a thing. I don't need my pre-baby body, because I have him. He is my life. And I want to raise him to believe that women are beautiful. That their bodies are sacred. That they are amazing and worthwhile no matter what they look like compared to the standard of beauty the world has put out. And I can't raise him to believe that if I don't believe that myself and start acting like I believe it.
Someday I know I'll stand before God, and when He asks me what I have done with my time here on earth, I want to proudly show him the scars I bear and declare, "This is what I have done with my life. This is what I have given my life for."
If it's worth it to dedicate my life to raising my children, then it's worth it to dedicate my body to them too.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" - John 15:13
Well I Guess We Live In Texas Now
Well, we finally got out of Dodge. [That was for you Ashley Chamberlin]
Remember all those times when you think to yourself, "I can't wait to get out of Provo (or whatever college town you were in)?". Well we finally really did get out of Provo, and while we were excited, we miss Provo too. Of course its one of those things when you realize all the things you love right as you leave. We have some great memories in Provo, and it will always hold a special place in our hearts. Thank you to all of our friends and family who made our experience there what it was.
And because we didn't want too much change all at once, we moved from one college town straight into another. Although this one is a much larger college, and a much larger town.
First impressions:
Remember all those times when you think to yourself, "I can't wait to get out of Provo (or whatever college town you were in)?". Well we finally really did get out of Provo, and while we were excited, we miss Provo too. Of course its one of those things when you realize all the things you love right as you leave. We have some great memories in Provo, and it will always hold a special place in our hearts. Thank you to all of our friends and family who made our experience there what it was.
And because we didn't want too much change all at once, we moved from one college town straight into another. Although this one is a much larger college, and a much larger town.
First impressions:
- It's not nearly as po-dunk as we thought it would be. There are a lot of new looking shopping centers and lots of nice areas of town. And there is a great variety in the stores & restaurants that they have here. I was worried they wouldn't have like anything, but College Station has lots of great things!
- Sidewalks suck. Like worse than Provo. This place makes it look like Provo has the best sidewalks in the world (Erin Randall, you may be the only other person who understands this sidewalk issue). In Provo pretty much everywhere had sidewalks, but they weren't very wide and they were super uneven. I was always complaining about the sidewalks. Well here they just don't have sidewalks most of the time. And when they do they are super skinny. Gah. I'll just keep dreaming of finding better sidewalks someday.
- Its hot. Really hot. And even when I don't feel hot I'm still clammy. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel completely dry again.
- There are a lot of trucks. I've never seen so many pick-up trucks in my life. Half of the vehicles in every parking lot are trucks. It's insane. Oh, and a greater proportion of cars are nice cars here. Hardly see any clunkers. Even driving by a trailer park.
- There are so many Mexican food places. SOOOO MANY. You'd think that would be followed by, "And there are a lot of Mexicans too." But no, there are a lot of Asians. SOOOO MANY. Never lived by so many Asians in my life.
- Oh yea, people in the real world smoke, buy alcohol, and swear. Kind of forgot about that.
- People here are friendly. It took us going to Walmart like 6 or 7 times (I know, we went a lot at first) before no one made any animal noises at Enok the whole time.
- Our ward here is awesome. People were so friendly. I don't know why, but the church just feels different here, more sincere. I like it.
Philip is really excited to be back in Texas. And I like it too. I think our family will really like it here. I do miss Provo and my friends there. And I wish I was closer to my family. But I think Texas will be good for us. Can't believe my baby boy is gonna grow up a Texan. Need to work on getting him to have an accent =D
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Spring Warming up to Summer
This spring/beginning of summer was busy busy busy. Graduation, birthdays, blessings, friends, family, spring term for Philip, and getting ready to move. It was crazy!
We took a weekend to go visit the Morris family (Philip's older sister's family) and went up in the mountains with them. We had a fun day of fishing, exploring, eating, s'mores, and fun!
We took a visit to Washington before moving since it was the last time we could drive there in one day... and Enok did decent on the drive, but he did get fussy towards the end of it.... and he got motion sick a couple times =( Poor bubs.
While there we went to Cool Desert Nights old car show with my dad. Enok really actually seemed to be watching the cars drive by!
We also went to celebrate Opal's grandma's 92nd birthday! She's like my great-grandma, meaning she would be Enok's great-great-grandma! This is almost like a 5 generation picture!
Enok also went on his first boat ride while we were there! I think the life jacket was a little big =)
We took a weekend to go visit the Morris family (Philip's older sister's family) and went up in the mountains with them. We had a fun day of fishing, exploring, eating, s'mores, and fun!
We took a visit to Washington before moving since it was the last time we could drive there in one day... and Enok did decent on the drive, but he did get fussy towards the end of it.... and he got motion sick a couple times =( Poor bubs.
While there we went to Cool Desert Nights old car show with my dad. Enok really actually seemed to be watching the cars drive by!
We also went to celebrate Opal's grandma's 92nd birthday! She's like my great-grandma, meaning she would be Enok's great-great-grandma! This is almost like a 5 generation picture!
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| Great Great Grandma Opal, Great Grandma Sandy, Grandma Opal, Mom, & Enok |
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| Us with Great Grandma Opal |
May 2013 Family Pictures
If only we could have gotten Enok to smile!!! As a last hurrah to BYU we took these on the river trail south of campus. Our family will forever be a BYU fam!!!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Pre-B-Day Pity Party
Maybe I shouldn't write this post. Or maybe I should. Or maybe it just doesn't matter, but anyway I'm going to write it. It's not a pity me post, its just the truth. But I guess it is my own little pity party, just not a pity me party. And it will be boring, so if you're looking for something exciting, look elsewhere. And really, no one has any reason to read this, I just need to write it for the therapeutics.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm really not excited. I really actually wish we could just skip it and go on. I know that sounds strange but its really how I feel. I really don't want to be celebrated, to be honest, I feel so inadequate in so many things lately that I don't feel I deserve to be. I'd rather celebrate someone else, anyone else. Plus, I just have some bad blood with birthdays. I've had a couple birthdays growing up that don't make me look forward to birthdays. There is one in particular that I think about that still really hurts whenever I think about it. I'll keep it vague as to when/where/who cuz I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I really need to write about it. It still just really bothers me. On one of my birthdays I was going to have a party and I had only invited 7 people because I wanted to keep it small. I was really looking forward to spending my birthday with those people because I really cared about them and I thought they cared about me too. Well one of them forgot, which we all forget things and it was unintentional, so I can't really be upset about that. Another one was having a bad day and so they hardly stayed. I shouldn't he bothered by that one either, but if I'm having a bad day and a friend needs me I'll suck it up and fake it till I make it for them. I guess I'm delusional in thinking I deserve the same thing back. So that one does bother me. And then two other friends came late and only stayed for like 20 minutes and then left to go hang out with some other friends. That one really bothers me. They didn't even tell me the truth about why they were leaving, but I'm not stupid. So only 3 people actually cared enough to really 'celebrate' with me. And I cut it short cuz it was just embarrassing. I honestly thought about faking a headache the whole time so people would just go home so I wouldn't have to feel so stupid. Because of that, I'll never plan a party for my birthday again. It just really hurt because these were like the 7 people who could come who I thought really valued me as a friend, but that whole experience made me wonder. I still wonder.
Anyways, I didn't do anything on May 31, 1990 but take a breath of air and cry. I hardly see why that should mean the day should be celebrated in my behalf. If it should be celebrated at all, my mom is the one who should be celebrated. She was the one that made the sacrifice to bring me into the world. To me, my birthday is a day to thank her, not a day to celebrate my entrance into humanity.
This year I'll be spending the day with the few who I know really do care, and mostly because they want to, not because I do.
Well there's my pity party. If you read this far, you deserve a piece of my birthday cake. I'd send you one, but it would melt on the way. [Which I really am excited for the cake, Philip's making a homemade ice cream cake DQ style. And Philip is good at making yummy things!]
Please enjoy your May 31, and I'll try to end my pity party at midnight tonight and enjoy mine too.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Enok's Blessing
Enok's baby blessing was held on April 27th at 10am. We did it on a Saturday and just with family and some friends because that was when my family could be there. We were so glad to have all of Enok's grandparents there and one of his Great Grandpa's was there too! What a special day! I definitely shed a few tears!
The very next day we went to Orangeville for Natalie's baby blessing. She is Enok's closest cousin in age.
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| Great Grandpa Burch with Enok |
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| 4 Generations - still gonna count it even though it's my mom's dad, not my dad's dad... |
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| Maddie&Chloe, Me&Enok, Brooke&Caden |
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| Chloe&Tyler, Enok&Philip, Caden&Jason |
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| McLemore's, Us, Alleger's |
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| Natalie almost 5 months, Enok almost 3 months, Chloe 1 month, Caden 3 months It was a baby party! |
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| With Granny & Grandpa |
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